I sat at my desk and watched my long to do list. I couldn’t even start a task, let alone finish one. I was consumed by pain and confusion that only new and painful heartbreak Can create. Nothing made sense. We were so good together, we were soulmates, we never had a fight, not once. I swear he completed me.
And now he was gone. There was another woman (or two or three). He didn’t deny it when I found her bra in her bedroom. And just like that, we’re done. My the heart was broken. But life doesn’t stop for grief. I still had to parent through the pain, show up to work and look fine when I was anything but. I followed the steps, but my mind was trying to make sense of it all, to find the answers it hadn’t given me, to predict the future. Would we recover? Was he thinking of me? Did he love me despite his lack of loyalty? Were my feelings real or was I kidding myself all along? I needed answers to these questions, and I needed them now.
I have always been in love with astrology and often consulted my horoscope for a daily overview. I had also participated in live tarot card readings, mostly for entertainment. So when I somehow stumbled upon a whole new world of tarot card readers and I love the mediums on Etsy, I knew I had to try it. There were so many choices, and all the answers were just a click away – and about $13 – away.
I researched the various offers on Etsy, as each sight/tarot card the reader provided something a little different. “Was he your soul mate?” was the subject of a reading. “Will he come back to you?” was another’s theme. There were options to just ask one question for $13 or a list of five questions for $40. Some promised you’d get your playback emailed in an hour or less, and others would send you a live video playback in three days.
After exploring my options, I knew the one hour return time was for me because I’m all about instant gratification. Also, I wanted to ask my own question. I purchased my tarot card after finding the reader with the best reviews, and submitted my question with $13.
Does he still think of me?
That’s it. That was the question I wanted to answer more than anything. Thinking about it now, it seems stupid. Of course he was. We had been together for over a year. But something in my soul needed to hear it from someone else.
I was full of anticipated excitement for the next hour because I knew I would get answers. I was hoping for validation, relief, and answers that would solve the mysteries at hand. And the cards did not disappoint. When I read my e-mails, I felt much less alone. I felt like the reader behind the cards was a loving, long-lost friend, and the cards told me exactly what I wanted to hear: not only was he always thinking of me, but he loved me and I loved. We had a soul mate connection, but the timing was not right. The best thing I could do now was take care of myself and love him from a distance. One day he might come back. Or maybe not. But it didn’t matter because what we had was special and meaningful and it changed me. Celebrate this, my tarot card reader told me.
And I did. I heaved a sigh of relief. I knew our love was real. For a moment, I gave up – the need to control the future, my attempts to read his mind. I stopped focusing on the pain and the future and celebrated what was instead. This feeling of peace and acceptance lasted for about a day.
I quickly found myself needing answers again. Would he contact me again one day? I needed to know. I remembered there was a tarot reader on Etsy who would answer my very specific question: when is your ex going to text you? So I went to Etsy.
The cards told me he would text me again! But not for a few months. Be patientthey said. Work on yourself, Suzanne. In the meantime, give him the space he needs. Again, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt comforted. I felt less alone and was able to let go, if only for a few hours.
Soon I was consulting a variety of Etsy tarot readers several times a week. Whenever life left me feeling helpless, a quick tarot card reading made me feel calm and oddly in control. Are you expecting an answer after a job interview? Let me ask for the maps. Worried about my children? A quick click on Etsy, and the answers were delivered quickly. What started as a temporary crutch to help me through my grief quickly became a regular and costly habit.
And the more I did, the less useful I found the cards. After consulting the charts several times a week for a few months, the readings became predictable and less useful. I read my tarot card emails and realized that each reading was somewhat contrived. They were all similar and suggested that I live in the moment. Let go. Treat people and myself with kindness and love, and whatever I wanted to happen in the future might just happen. But then again, that might not be the case.
I started to feel guilty about my dirty little habit and realized it was time to quit altogether. So I did. And now, when I desperately seek answers as soon as possible, as I often do, I remember what the cards told me before, and I do my best to stay present. I recognize that my desire to have all the answers is not healthy. I tell myself that not knowing is part of life – and important too. Not knowing helps us grow. It takes vulnerability and strength. It inspires us to rely on others and say, “I need help,” and it teaches us so many valuable lessons.
The cards taught me that I only have limited control over my life and no amount of overthinking will change that. They taught me that I can’t always plan, think, and organize for the future and sometimes that interferes with fate, faith, or whatever the universe has in store for us. I am learning to accept the uncertainty of my future and to believe that whatever happens, everything will be fine. So for now, there will be no more cards for this Gemini.